Pawpaw Gets Kidnapped

Or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying about the Love Bomb

Down in the city colloquially known among the angels as NoFaith, there came an oh-so-not-nice day that refused to play—in a kinder way.

So it was no wonder that those little devils, Snip and Snide, were stalking along when they both tripped and fell headlong.

Snip growled, “It was you that caused us to somersault on this here asphalt!”

Snide snorted as he retorted, “If it weren’t for you, we wouldn’t have landed on our faces after so few paces!”

As they were fighting, biting and slighting, their fellow nuisance Sneek fussed from the shadows, “How dare you two disturb my indolence! I demand that you cease!”

But that wily Snip stepped right on his face,
Putting his foot in someone else’s mouth for a change!
With anger, Sneek rose from his dwelling place,
Which in the day for him is really quite strange.

And so... those three started inciting, backbiting, igniting, and—you know it—in-fighting.

Three hours and twenty-eight minutes later, their petulant cohort, Snark, came along carrying a decree that was sure to be wrong.

Snark grinned with a menace without any penance.

“I have this here ordinance that says that we are ordered to advance! To Pawpaw’s—to that awful saint of faithfulness—and without any playfulness.”

Although those little devils found his decree suspicious, it to them did sound rather officious.
See Job 1 and 2.

And so the neighborhood gang of little devils, the Lil’ Debils, gleefully but meanfully,
gathered themselves together and marched off deceitfully,
celebrating all the way to Pawpaw’s house.

Oh, what a terrible, horrible, no-good, rotten, stinky, horrible day this was!

For their leader, Grumbles, announced,
“WE have been given a directive from below!
I’ll have you rotten little scoundrels know
That we are officially—and quite suspiciously…”

They all hooted, polluted, and guffawed.

“…allowed to kidnap Pawpaw, for crying out loud!”

Oh goodness, what a mess! Those hooligans misconducted
Their shenanigans and malfeasances, without a doubt,
From their caches, out of their ashes, and from under their stashes!

Did I mention this was a day most horrible? For somehow Heck’s little dickens had gotten permission.

Just in case it’s not too late, “Pawpaw, watch out!”

Oh dread and apprehension! They marched right into his house!

They gagged him but good, so scripture he could not spout. They grabbed poor Pawpaw and dragged him right out.

Now in Heaven above, Pawpaw’s Little Angels were too busy getting permission to visit Pawpaw to witness this disreputable escapade.

The entire time Snide was writing, Snip was gnawing on Snide’s horns or chewing on his ears, just to be as annoying as possible. Oh, dears!

Snip purred, “Nom nom nom…” until Snide could take no more and the two got into a fight.

Being impatient, Grumbles picked Snide up by his ankle and tossed him into the great poison ivy fields of the Midwest.

He then gave the paper to Snip and bellowed, “WRITE!”

Snip began writing and immediately tried to add a bag of Aunt Bee’s faithtastic cookies to the list of demands.

Then the little devils, pleased with themselves and no one else, cackled, howled, and hooted until Grumbles he them booted!

So off they went with Pawpaw in tow, howling and laughing and nuisancing all the way. Somehow Snide made it back … but was covered in itchy patches in places less conventional.

The three little angels were so excited and delighted that they didn’t notice a thing. They ran to the Edge of Forever and dove off as happy as can be, for Pawpaw they were about to see.

The three little dancers spiraled and curved and floated and swirled, oh what fun this was, sliding down to earth again!

Pawpaw, here they come!

Gracie landed gracefully, oh how sweet! Luna followed, oh how petite! And here comes diminutive Rosie—this ought to be a treat!

Oh dear, and oh no, she’s careened into her sisters, most precipitately! That wasn’t in the original choreography.

Rosie declared, “Oh dear and oh no, my head’s spinning so!”

Luna remarked, “It’s fine to go fast through the stars, but you should slow down by the time we get to Mars!”

Rosie wiggled her toes, “I forgets.”

Gracie admonished gently, “Couldn’t you forgets to run into your sisters? And I counted your toes. They are all there.”

Rosie giggled and popped right up. And the three little darlings waltzed through the door and into Pawpaw’s living room and—what a mess!

Rosie: “Pawpaw?”

Gracie: “Something’s not right. It’s like a tornado was invited over and left out of spite?”

Luna: “I don’t think those things there should be up there or around and about.”

Those three angels searched the house so fast, they were done in less than an instant!

Luna declared, “He’s not here!”

Rosie pointed down at a wadded-up piece of paper. “Look at what I found!”

Gracie zapped the dirty, filthy, wadded-up piece of paper making it clean and fresh.

“Luna, please fix this… But remember, gently. This could be important.”

Now Luna couldn’t read or write yet; she was still learning.

Luna’s moonbeams of enlightenment could reveal almost anything hidden or clean up just about any obscurification. So she zapped it but good, removing all the awful, no-good language.

Gracie picked up the now sanitized and thoroughly scrubbed ransom note and read it.

“‘3 stoopid angels... hehe hehe... weez have your gram Paw ha-ha ha-ha...’”

She paused.

“Goodness! The rest of the front page is nothing but ‘ha-ha’s’!”

She turned the paper over.

“‘If you even want to seez your pawpaws agin, then you will leev 4 evvers! Also leev thoze magnificent lil’debils alone 4 evvers and always… also put one bag of Aunt Beez ow! Nevver mind. Pea and Ess—Youz smellz!”

“This must be Snide’s writing. How’d he spell ‘magnificent’ right?”

Luna shrugged. “I dunno. I can’t spell yet.”

Gracie: “Oh, that Snide! It’s those little devils again. Somehow they must have gotten permission to kidnap Pawpaw! Those Lil’ Debils are in so much trouble!”

Luna: “And make that double!”

Rosie: “And make that troubled!” She unsheathed her toy Bubble Wand with determination.

Luna: “Um… but… what are we going to do?”

Rosie: “I know! We ask Jesus! He will troubles them and get Pawpaw back!”

Gracie: “Asking Jesus is always a good idea, but while He was giving us permissions, He must have known Pawpaw was being abducked.”

Rosie: “STUPID DUCK!”

Gracie: “No, that means—never mind. I think that means it’s up to us!”

Luna: “Up to us? But we are just three little angels…”

Gracie: “No we are not… we are Pawpaw’s Little Angels! And besides… we love Jesus.”

Luna: “Uh huh, and He loves us.”

And so the three little sisters thanked Jesus and asked Him for guidance. Then Gracie and Luna went straight to athinking.

Rosie sat down and began singing “Jesus Wuvs Me” to herself while her sisters contemplated.

Gracie: “What we need is… well, what we need is… let’s go outside, maybe it’ll give us some ideas?”

Luna: “Let’s call Aunt Bee.”

Gracie: “She’ll just give us a talking-to… and maybe some cookies…”

Rosie: “Cookies!”

Luna: “Not now Rosie!”

Rosie: “I don’t want cookies anyhow… I want Pawpaw.”

Gracie: “Don’t worry, we’ll get him back, Rosie. Wait here.”

Gracie zipped outside to look around. Luna followed and began looking around too. For what, she did not know. But where’d Gracie go?

About a block away there was an abandoned playground with lots of old toys—most of them from a generation ago.

Then Gracie saw them: three old riding toys—two cars and an “airplane.”
And that gave her an idea.

She remembered how Pawpaw could by faith turn his broken-down wheelchairs into working wheelchairs, beautiful and perfect. But only the pure in heart could see this temporary miracle.

So, inspired by Pawpaw, Gracie waved her little hands and recited what Pawpaw liked to say, at least the parts that she could remember, “By pureness, by knowledge, by longsuffering, by kindness, by the Holy Ghost, by love unfeigned, by the word of truth, by the power of God, by the armor of righteousness on the right hand and on the left…”

And by her faith, those three toys merged into a brand-new heavenly rescue vehicle! Gracie promptly christened it the “He-van-Lee Ress Q” mobile. For little girls—of the rare angelic sort.

Merciful Heaven’s Disclaimer:
“He-van-Lee Ress Q” mobiles are for little angels’ use only and are not intended for use by any other entities. Except for maybe other angels. If they can fit into one and aren’t busy dancing on the head of a pin?

Gracie hopped into the newly fashioned rescue vehicle of the heavens and, powered by faith, love, and nostalgia, zipped back to Pawpaw’s house.

Luna: “So cool! Where did you get it?”

Gracie: “Found it.”

Luna: “Great, let’s go get Pawpaw!”

Gracie: “Not so fast. God gave us love, determination, and brains. We can’t just go take on a whole lot of little devils! Not all at once.”

Luna: “Let’s take them one at a time!”

Gracie: “I appreciate the enthusiasm and I’d thank you not to tell Rosie such things. What we need are weapons. Heavenly munitions full of virtues and such!”

Luna: “Aunt Bee’s cookies?”

Rosie heard this and zoomed right over. But she was immediately distracted by the strange-looking celestial rescue vehicle for the ages.

Gracie: “I know!”

And off she zipped, to… somewhere?

Luna thought for a moment. Gracie must be getting something to fend off the little devils with. What, Luna did not know. But off she went, too.

Rosie sat beside the rescue mobile for a moment, then decided to pet a kitty. So off she went to find a cat.

What do you know about that?

Meanwhile, Gracie found an old water-balloon launcher and made it as good as new. But with optional refinements.

This would be her grenade launcher of … I mean, Water Balloon Launcher of Faith!

Luna caught up with Gracie and spotted one of those water guns with a big water tank lying on the ground. Yes!

She turned it into the machine gun of … I mean, Super-Splashing Water Squirter of Hope.

Gracie and Luna returned to Pawpaw’s house with their newly fashioned weapons—I mean, little devils’ correctional reminders (patent pending).

Gracie said to Luna, “And now we will fill the balloons and your squirt gun with holy water! What do you think?”

Luna: “Oh boy!” She zipped off to the kitchen, and Gracie followed. There she found Luna with the water-filled gun, praying over it and blessing its contents.

As they filled the balloons with water, Luna got an idea, and a smile appeared on her face.

Luna: “Let’s put some of John the Baptist’s wild honey in it to make it stick!”

The girls snickered at the thought of the little devils covered in sticky-sweet holiness.

Gracie: “Oh, and I know! Let’s put some holy soap in your squirt gun to clean up the little devils!”

Without delay, they blessed the honey and the dish soap, too.

Luna loaded their supplies into the vehicle, now ready to go.

Luna: “Now we’re ready! Let’s go!”

Gracie: “Oh, no, no, no! We have to have a backup plan … a backup weapon … a weapon so powerful that …”

Luna: “It’ll blow those little devils to Kingdom Come?”

Gracie: “Well, no … but that’s the spirit! Now let me think … I know! A Love Bomb!”

Luna: “YES! A Love Bomb! Let’s make the best one ever!”

Well, those two little angels had no clue what they were doing. But doing was what they did.

Gracie said to Luna, “Okay, I found this water jug. Let’s fill it with all the virtues we can! Now I’ll get love, kindness, meekness, goodness, and faithfulness. And you get joy, peace, patience, and self-control.”

Luna: “Okay! I’ll get Joys, pieces, patients, and self controls!” And off she zipped like greased lightning on a waxed surfboard.

Now Gracie filled the big water jug with all the virtues she’d collected and was busy painting it when Luna returned—with Joy, otherwise known as Joytastrophically-Gigglina-Blesshue-Hallelujoodle.

Joy: “Hi.”

Gracie: “Um, hi, Joy. What brings you here?”

Joy: “Luna. Said she’s collecting Joys.”

Gracie: “Okay?”

Luna stuffed all the virtues she brought into the big jug.

Joy said quietly to Gracie, “I had to help her … you should have seen the things she was going to bring!

Gracie peered inside their Love Bomb. “Well, it’s missing joy.”

Joy smiled. “That’s not a problem!” And she filled it to the brim with joys.

Gracie quickly closed it and sealed it shut. But it was so full that it rumbled inside. They had no idea what they were doing, and the bomb was far too powerful.

Luna heard the rumbling and gave the bomb a good shaking.

Luna said with a smile, “It’s making funny noises!”

Gracie: “Luna! Don’t do that! We don’t want that to go off now!”

Upon hearing the rumbling, Joy stepped away from the bomb.

Joy: “Okay, well, I’ve got things to do …”

Gracie: “Oh?”

Joy: “Um, yes. Things. To do. Over there, probably way over there.”

And off she went!

They were about ready to load the bomb into the rescue mobile when Luna said, “It needs a name.”

Gracie: “It’s got a name, it’s a love bomb.”

Luna: “I know… The Cherry Tree!”

Rosie giggled because Luna remembered that she thought charity sounded like cherry tree. And so they let Rosie paint a cherry tree on the bomb and christened it.

Meanwhile, unbeknownst to Luna, Gracie added a few other ingredients to the bomb, namely cherry blossoms and lilacs.

And while no one was paying any attention, Rosie made her own contribution: bubblegum.
That’s what was in her pockets.

As they were getting ready to go, the bomb occasionally made noises rather like someone who’d drunk far too much soda.

Gracie said to little Rosie, “Okay, we’re going to rescue Pawpaw now, and you stay right here and behave, okay?”

Rosie: “No, no, no, no! I am so going too also!”

Luna: “Rosie, you can’t go, you’re too little.”

Gracie saw the determined look on Rosie’s little face and sighed. She waved her hand, and a nice, safe, rear-facing baby seat appeared.

She motioned for Luna to say not another word.

They put a nice, safe, thoroughly unflattering helmet on Rosie and fastened her securely into her seat. She was quiet, but not very happy about this.

As soon as Gracie and Luna stepped into the vehicle, Rosie touched her helmet, and it became a really cool, awesome, shiny helmet with two red bobble hearts and a pink visor.

Also, her Bubble Wand of “Wuv” appeared in her hands.

Gracie started up the vehicle, and “Vrrooom!” purred the impossible, faith-fueled engine.

Gracie: “Ready?”

Luna: “Ready!”

Gracie: “Rosie, are you ready?”

Rosie: “Readies!”

And just like that, off they went, into the sky!

Gracie turned on the faith-detecting radar and saw a big blip far ahead.

“That’s got to be Pawpaw! No one in this city lights up like him! Steering left, no, upper, now downer, now righter! Holding steady and on course, of course!”

They weren’t even close when the little devils started swarming all around them. This was totally unexpected, but they were ready!

Luna popped open the top and began squirting them with her Hope Gun, loaded with holy water and sacred soap. And you should have seen the surprised looks on those little devils’ faces!

“AW! There’s hope in my eyes! I see enlightenment and the reality of my self-made deceptions!” screeched one little devil as he plummeted from the skies.

Now, you’d think the others would have paid attention to his screams, but nope, they did not.

At first, Gracie didn’t even have to get out her bazooka… I mean, Water Balloon Launcher of Faith. But when she did, goodness, they knew it!

One determined little devil flew right in front of them!

SPLAT!

Ooo! Gracie got the stinker right in the thinker!

He spiraled like a shot-down airplane in one of those old World War II movies and projected his formal complaint:
“Aaaaa oooo ooooheeee!”

Three more little devils flew out in a row!

SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT!

She got them, just like that, that, and that. For her aim was true, as most of them now knew.

Now, as the battle raged on, there were little devils falling to the left of them, and devils falling to the right of them. Bet that wasn't in the forecast!

But there was a sneaky devil peeking from behind a cloud just above. If you thought it was Sneek, you’d be right.

He saw little Rosie sitting all alone in the back, kicking her feet.

“Oh my, what an easy target,” the sneaky-sneak surmised.

And he surreptitiously approached poor little unsuspecting Rosie.

Oh no, Rosie! Watch out!

BIP!

Rosie: “Wuv!”

Oh, my moral fortitude! She bipped him right between the eyes with her toy Bubble Wand filled with love.

Sneek alleged, “Aw, my eyes! All I can see is love and affection!” He sniffed. “With the sweet aroma of forgiveness in addition!”

And he spiraled out of the sky like a UFO over Roswell, and that didn’t end well.

As they came in for their approach, the little devils gathered together for a united assault.

Gracie said to Luna, “There are too many of them. We’ll have to drop the Cherry Tree!”

Luna: “Right! Prepping the bomb!”

Gracie: “Virtues to full! Dial back the mercy!”

Luna: “Virtues to full, dialing back the mercy!”

When the little devils heard that, they flew quickly back to base.

But far below, the devils’ pretentious nimrods of incompetence remarked:
“She wouldn’t!”
“She couldn’t!”
“She shouldn’t!”

She did.

Gracie: “Release the Love Bomb!”

Luna: “Love Bomb’s away!”

Rosie: “Cherry tree! BOOM!”

Boom indeed! For those little angels had no idea that their bomb, stuffed full of virtues, would go off like an H-bomb—but one of mass construction!

The little devils, nay, the entire city, were not ready for the wave of heavenly virtues radiating outward in all directions, in glorious perfection!

Well, that bomb hit right on target—not that it needed to. For that sacred explosion was far too heavenly!

That huge, overstuffed-full-o’-virtues pink mushroom cloud spread like way too much cotton candy!

The Cherry Tree

Sniff, sniff. Does anyone else smell bubblegum?

Every little devil in the city was flopped out cold, including every last Lil’ Debil.

As the fallout from the bomb rained down on the town, people all around began forgiving each other. They were hugging and kissing, forgiving and acquitting, and their hatreds came up missing.

For the time being, badness, naughtiness, misbehavioring and all sorts of deviltries were lost in the swirling clouds of blessedness.

Bubblegum, lilacs, and cherry blossoms rained down like retroactive fallout.

Mysteriously, impressively, and expressively, everyone was most thoroughly, prodigiously, and quite inexplicably sticky.

Pawpaw’s Little Angels set their rescue vehicle of the innocents down beside him.

With so much love and all the other virtues in the air, the beleaguered Pawpaw became invigorated, energized with revivification—and full of unimpeachable rectitude, virtuous fortitude, and holy irrepressible nonsense!

Why, he was positively full of jovial, hilarious probity.

Oh, they were so happy that they didn’t know: were they naturally overjoyed, or artificially so, thanks to excessive joys raining down like a spring shower?

My vote, which I’ll tote: too much of both!

And they left happily ever after. Well, actually, happily went ever after them, taking Pawpaw back home.

But is that the end of the story?

Down at the gates of Heck, Gripes was slacking on guard when a line of perturbed little devils came lurking up, covered from head to hooves in sticky pink cotton candy, cherry blossoms, and virtue-saturated sweetness.

Goodness, the nasty things looked cute... like kindergarteners dressed up as pink Peeps for Halloween.

Sticky Little Devils

Gripes whined, “What happened to you guys? And what smells of love, forgiveness …” Sniff, sniff. “…and cherry blossoms with a hint of bubblegum?”

Snark, who was so covered in petals that he looked like a lark, chirped, “Don’t ask.”

Sneek tried to slink by, but Gripes fussed at him, “Where do you think you are going with all that love showing?”

Sneek hugged him but good, “I’m so sorry, my dear Gripes! Please forgive me!”

Gripes: “Oh no! They’ve been contaminated with goodnesses!”

And without further ado, he sounded the alarm, too!

And so it was, the Lil’ Debils were unsympathetically stuck in quarantine down in Heck’s Canteen.

Even those incorrigible cousins, Snip and Snide, who were always fighting and biting, were now so attached with fondness and hugs that they might as well have been conjoined bugs.

Of course Snip was still Snip and Snide was still Snide. So Snip bit Snide and Snide promptly punched him.

Snide contrived, “I didn’t mean it! Forgive me, dear Snip!”

With tears in his eyes, Snip cried, “I forgive you, my dear Snide!”

Oh, how contradictory—this love’s victory!

And down in Heck’s dank, pathetic Canteen, on the sulky wall at the bleak entrance, was a NOT WANTED poster of Pawpaw’s Little Angels in cute little poses. Engraved under it was: “STAY AWAY!”

The little devils had drawn mustaches, little pointy beards, and horns on them. And at the bottom were scribbled declarations of adoration, tearful apologies, and desperate pleas for forgiveness.

Three weeks later…

The bumptious BigGuy, a devil wannabe who fancied himself the biggest, baddest fiend around—and the head honcho of gangs like the Lil’ Debils—stomped into the Canteen.

He pretentioned, “Listen up, you maggots! This place still reeks of—and it pains me to say it—it stinks of heavenly virtues!”

There was a collective gasp, as if they didn’t know.

Now the BigGuy was about to launch into the meanest, the nastiest, the most awful dispirational speech in the history of canteens when he accidentally bumped into Gripes.

“Oh, sorry. Excuse me.”

The devils froze. There was a collective gasp. Somewhere in the background, someone dropped a food tray.

The End.

But Rosie is still mad at that STUPID DUCK! 🦆

Stupid Duck
Alleged Abducktor of Pawpaws

✦ More adventures with Pawpaw's Little Angels →

Three Little Warriors